Chatting wine with…Arnold Schwarzenegger

So, Arnie, would you please describe the ideal Arnold Schwarzenegger wine? 

I like my wines to be like my muscles  – rippling with power and authority. I like to say that I buy my wines in a six-pack – or in my case an eight pack. The best wine I ever had had 400% new oak; it was like an oak cyborg battering my tongue or a tonsillectomy performed by Red Sonja.Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon reminds me of the Hummer I bought a few years ago. Expensive and impractical, but massive in every way.

I also like iron pumping through my wines and I like all oaky wines; they remind me of my thighs which are like Styrian oak trees. They are sturdy and strong and not at all homo-erotic.

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Favourite white wine? Or is white for wusses and women?

Only girlies and democrats drink white wine. Having said that I have put my name to a Californian wine made from an Italian grape – it’s called  Pecs-Arnie-rino.

You were known as the governator; it is there a wine equivalent of that position?

The oenologist is like the terminator 2 sent back in time to correct all the mistakes made by winemaker. This will be the subject of my new wine movie. I will be playing Mike “Mikey Cottarella aka the Oenomator, and Danny De Vito will be his sidekick, Richie “Rich”  Rolland. We make an unbeatable team and blow up lots of tanks, fermentation tanks, that is.

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Can you remember the first wine you drank?

I can totally recall the first wine. It was an Austrian wine made with anti-freeze. That gave me the inspiration to play Mr Freeze in the brilliant movie, Batman and Robin.

Are you a method actor?

Yes, of course. And I am a method drinker. When I played Conan The Barbera-ian I drank gallons of Italian wines. And when I was rehearsing for the Terminator and the T-800 I drank eight hundred cups of Earl Grey every day.

Any other wine related movies in the pipeline?

Yes. I am starring in a remake of the Guns of Amarone. There are lots of explosions and red wine.

What do you think of natural wines, Arnie?

Natural wines remind me of Predator – they are one ugly m-f***ers. People who like natural wines are telling themselves true lies. They are expendable.

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Who’s the real Arnie?

If I am not me then who the hell am I?

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