A new Iron Sommelier Challenge has been inaugurated in the US
Said to test the skills of wine waiters under the most extreme conditions, the challenge is divided into six stages. To the victor the spoils, a luxuriant chest hair wig and a TV series involving lots of shouting at the camera, to the losers a jeroboam of Liebfraumilch.
The candidates will be expected to excel in the following disciplines:
The Quick Pour: “Roaderer (sic) Rollerblading” amongst an obstacle course of 15 tables pulling champagne corks out with their teeth, singing the lyrics to the Carpenter’s Top of the World whilst dispensing fizz to all and sundry – preferably in glasses.
Creating the ultimate gangsta champagne cocktail. Judging this section will be Dom Dom Ru, MC Mumm, L. Pee, Snoop Salon Salon and the Wu-Taittinger Clan. Passing the yak and Cristal in a single glass is one of the mandatory disciplines. Points will be deducted if straws and multi-coloured parasols are omitted. All cocktails must be made with ice (diamonds) rather than ice (frozen water).
The chest-beating Chateau Latour challenge. Sommeliers will each be asked to sell a bottle of the Pauillac 1st growth to a table of unwilling customers. If they succeed they must pound their pectoral muscles with their fists and ululate for precisely three minutes and 45 seconds.
Serving Michael Winner a bottle of wine in a hot air balloon. The winner (no pun intended) is the sommelier who allows the balloon to reach the greatest height before hurling the auteur of Deathwish 4 out of the aforementioned dirigible. Calm down, my dear, it’s only a game!
The pronunciation test. Finalists will be tested on their ability to make Merlot sound as close to a three syllable word or Lloyd Grossman swallowing a giant octopus.
Food and wine matching to a menu devised by Ferran Adria’s gothic imagination.*
Emulsion of angels’ wings
Muttering oysters , seaweed fritters, ocean essence
Mock parrot, buried treasure, devils’ islands, edible sand
Existential chocolate ideas
*Extra marks will be awarded in a half-assed fashion