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In the Doctor Who episode “Robot of Sherwood,” the Doctor angrily declares: “That isn’t even funny. That was bantering. I am totally against bantering.”  Wine has come a long way since the hushed recommendations in gentlemen’s clubs, arcane classification systems and equally arcane terminology. Over the past forty years wine has been demystified for new generations of drinkers in various ways and the fact younger drinkers feel confident enough to banter about a subject once considered the sole parole of the middle-aged upper middle class “elite” shows how relaxed we have become about wine.

New tropes still replace old ones, snobbery becomes reverse snobbery, and the language and rituals surrounding wine constantly changes. Plus ça change.

It’s easy to pretend we are above “all that”, but (whether knowingly or otherwise) we do say and do things about and around wine that mark us as playing the wine bantz game.

Wine has come a long way since the hushed recommendations in gentlemen’s clubs, arcane classification systems and equally arcane terminology.

The important rule here is to be truthful. Of course, no-one wants to be stereotyped as Nerd of Nerd Hall, a walking decanter full of wine cliches, and we acknowledge that it is nigh impossible, when gathered together with a group of fellow wine-lovers, not to fall victim to clubby wine banter. This quiz, however, is designed (if that is not too much of an exaggeration) to see whether you might be in danger of tipping over into the self-parodic wine lover extraordinaire or whether you still possess a modicum of detachment. Reverse bonus points are available (see questions underneath the main quiz) to mitigate against pretension.

Wine Bantz Quiz

• • If you are a member of a wine group that meets three or more times a year to show off fancy wines – 20 marks

• Add extra 5 points if the majority of wines brought to these meetings are from Burgundy

• Add extra 10 points if the majority of the wines brought to these meetings are from Jura 

• • If you will never order a wine below £60 in a restaurant as a matter of principle – 5 marks
  • If you have ever engaged in the game of Vintagemanship:  saying for example: “ this is a perfectly okay version of that wine, but have you tried x/y/z vintage…” – 10 marks
  • If you have ever said with enthusiastic emphasis: “This is the best ever…” about any aspect of a wine – 10 marks
  • Following on from these, if you have ever deliberately brought into conversation with fellow drinkers the fact that you have tried several vintages of a particular famous wine – 10 marks
  • 5 additional marks if you referred to it as a “vertical”
  • If you have ever used the expression “wine unicorn” or “iconic producer” – 10 marks
  • If you have said that a new grape variety or region is trending or predicted the next big thing in wine – 10 marks
  • If you say that you never read critics or remember their scores, yet you have a subscription to Purple Pages and an encyclopaedic knowledge of Wine Advocate 100 point icons – 10 marks
  • If you have ever ordered one last bottle of wine at the end of the evening in a restaurant that you really wanted to try – were very disappointed – and wished you hadn’t? – 1o marks
  • If you have bought a copy of every Noble Rot magazine since it was first published – 20 marks
  • If you have ever said that the wine is “sick” in a gratuitously bantzy way – 20 marks
  • If you have more than one or more meaningful conversations in a year about wine glassware and are extremely snobby about what you drink out of at home – 10 marks
  • If you are a bore about growers’ champagne (because you can name more than half a dozen small growers) – 10 marks

• 10 extra marks if you have spotted a wine from a small champagne grower and exclaimed out loud: “Oh, they have so-and-so on the list!”

• 5 further marks if your exclamation can clearly be heard on the next table.

• 10 more marks if you have drunk Selosse in the last three years and refuse to shut up about it in polite wine company.
• If you have been to Paris, and drunk a cuvee of natural wine that is made specifically for a certain wine bar (and that makes it obviously better – in your opinion – than all the other wine that grower makes) – 20 marks
• If you have ever remarked that a certain single de-alcoholised wine is surprisingly good (in order that you don’t seem like a wine snob) – 5 marks
• If you have ever pretended to be utterly familiar with a grape variety that is almost extinct or so rare that there are only a tiny handful of extant examples that hardly anyone has ever tasted – 10 marks
• If you have ever corrected someone who is talking about hybrid grapes and mentioned that they are PiWis – 10 marks
• If you actually even know what PiWi stands for – 10 marks
• If you have boasted amongst wine friends of having visited the cellar or the vineyard of the iconic producer that you are drinking at that precise moment – 20 marks
• If you refer to a famous producer by their first name, diminutive or nickname. – 20 marks
• If you understand the wax colour code pertaining to the Overnoy Jura wines – 20 marks
• If you refuse to say Poulsard (even it is written that way on the label) and refer to a wine as Ploussard. – 10 marks
• If you have ever liked a particularly stupid or unfunny wine meme (be honest!) on Instagram – 5 marks
• If you have ever written down five or more adjectives to describe the colour of a wine in a tasting. – 10 marks
• If you have ever added a massive pinch of whimsy to jazz up a tasting note (for example, an exceedingly far-fetched simile or metaphor). – 10 marks
• If you ever used the expression: “I (once) went to a masterclass on… given by…” or similar to authenticate your wine nerd credentials in company – 10 marks
• If you ever deliberately tried to catch out a sommelier or wine waiter in a restaurant by asking a question on wine that is impossible for them to know the answer – 10 marks
• If you ever gone into a wine shop and ask for a wine you already know they don’t have – 10 marks
• If you deliberately cod-anglicise the pronunciation of French wine terms in a clunky way to show that you are above wine snobbery.  – 10 marks
• If you deliberately over-emphasise your French pronunciation of wine terms, by affectedly rolling your rs as if you have been suddenly possessed by a language demon – 20 marks
• If you turn your nose up at (or refuse to buy) negoce wines made by a famous grower – 20 marks
• If you have ever uttered the sentiment that “Garnacha is the Pinot Noir of Spain” (or that any grape variety is the new Pinot Noir etc.) – 10 marks
• If you have ever pretended (to yourself or to others) a wine is better than it is – because of its unicorn/iconic reputation alone. – 20 marks
• If your profound love of Barolo and Barbaresco is based on the fact that they are such difficult to appreciate when they are young and others are unable to understand the glories of the Nebbiolo grape– 10 marks
• If you have ever said that English sparkling wines are as good, if not better, than champagne. And meant it. – 15 marks
• If you call regenerative farming “regen” for short. – 10 marks
• If you have ever patiently explained the difference/similarity between Pinot Grigio and Pinot Gris to someone who doesn’t know about wine – 10 marks

Remove points to the value of below if any of the following apply to you.

• If you have ever put a bottle of cru classé Bordeaux in the freezer to give it an edge – – 30 marks (+10 more if first growth)
• If you won’t order a bottle of wine above £60 in a restaurant – as a matter of principle – 10 marks
• If you shake up a bottle of Col Fondo Prosecco before serving it – 10 marks
• If you have an expensive corkscrew, but you only use a cheap shitty one – 10 marks
• If -when pouring – you have ever missed the wine glass completely – 5 marks
• If when opening a bottle of champagne you ever have broken anything with a flying cork, or injured someone, or yourself. – 10 marks
• If you have ever ordered a wine by the vintage alone (thinking it was the bin number) – 20 marks
• If you have ever ordered the house retsina in a Greek restaurant — 20 marks
• And enjoyed it – 10 marks
• If you generally prefer Gewurztraminer to Riesling – 20 marks
• If you have ever sent back a bottle of wine because it is too sulphury – 10 marks
• If you have ever put an ice cube in a glass of white Burgundy to chill it down. – 10 marks
• If you have ordered a white wine spritzer in the last year – 20 marks

What’s Your WNQ Total – (Wine Nerd Quotient)

Below 50 – Spritzer & house Rioja (not in the same glass)

51-99 – Pinot Gris is the new Pinot Grigio

100-149 – Red wine served at room temperature

150 – 199 – Drinking Assyrtiko in Santorini as the sun sets

200-249 – Annual subscription to Noble Rot magazine

250-299– Artisan Blanc de Blancs Champagne only

300- 349 – The latest obscure small biodynamic Burgundy producer 

350-399 –Successful ascent to the summit of Mont Vin Jaune in Nerdistan

400+ – Wine is my entire raisin d’etre