At yet another of those conferences where the audience is harangued for not being globally ambitious the newly appointed head of Fozzies laid out his blueprint for world domination.
“I believe that we need to create a brand that brings Australian wine to life”, he said pulling a switch that delivered a current of 30,000 volts into the twitching behemoth that is the Australian wine industry. “We must generate”, he continued, flicking another switch, “a real, clear and solid set of messages whatever they may be as opposed to a mythical, cloudy and gaseous stream of innuendo and half-baked nostrums”.
“The Asian consumer markets are expanding all the time: from Mongol hordes to Tibetan monks the growth potential is unbelievable. The trouble is these ockers couldn’t even point to Australia on a map if they were just being shown a map of Australia.
“The wine blokes on our bloody island need to stop bleating like boomers playing didgeridoos, start behaving like true blues and sell God’s own grog flat out like a lizard drinking.”
He further rebuked the Australian wine industry: “Things are so crook in Tallarook that your chooks may turn into emus and kick your shithouse door down…You bludgers have got to do some hard yakka until beer o’clock. Our vino should be numero uno in the whole wide. Those Ruskies are one stubbie short of a sixpack if they don’t give a xxxx about Brand Oz.”
He spreads his arms wide. “My message is simple. Go forth and multiply your sales.”