Previously, we had only encountered wine longitudinally and laterally, but this unique fair will allow customers to explore wine physically – from a distance – actually, not physically at all. A fourth and fifth dimension to the conference may soon be introduced if money and a venue in an alternate reality can be found.
Making the use of the latest in interactive communications technology – two coke cans and a ball of string, visitors will enter the site through a portal into a virtual reality of pretend customers, ethereal sommeliers and faux wines, whilst sinking back into the comfort of a hard chair in their own offices.
‘If I tweeted any more, I would have turned into a canary’, twittered one enthusiast.
One section in the fair is given over to virtual natural wines. These zero intervention wines have become infinitely possible because they don’t actually exist in the temporal dimension. “This means we can get away with minimum additives”, said an aerial natural wine spokesman.
Biodynamics growers are also represented – a digital image of a cow’s horn filled with manure is sent to a computer in which the virtual vineyard is located. Should a virus take hold the virtual vigneron is recommended to flush his software out with a program made out of the ashes of boiled rats’ pelvises.
One wine company, Brew Senility, however, claimed that the wines would be virtually faulty because, without the steadying hand of the flying winemaker, these wines could never truly reflect the terroir of the laboratory and the stainless steel tank, though the MD of the company did approve of the system whereby added acidity could be “dialled up” over the broadband connection.
The virtual winemakers were said to be but a shadow of their former selves, although for an extra £20,000 you could purchase a package that would allow you access their wines in high definition. For a further £5,000 you can also take up the aromavision module which recreates the feel of the fair: the smell of volatile alcohol, money and desperation to clinch deals.
Organisers of the event were delighted about the numbers. A spokesperson commented: “We expect 100% non-attendance this year which will be 0% down on last year’s event.”
The government is said to be watching the progress of the virtual wine fair with hawk-like interest. Virtual wines have less alcohol, in fact they have no alcohol, said a junior minister in the Department of Health perceptively.